Today I sank lower than I’ve ever been. Just as the light of day was starting to pierce the fog in my mind, it started to downpour. The sun was blocked and my mind went back into its dark place, finding comfort in the lowly feeling of hollowness that it had grown used to. About halfway through yesterday I began to feel down. It’d been a difficult day, and I was starting to get into my mood of “worry and frustration” with everything in my life. I was sitting and thinking about my disappointment of a job, my failing career path, the debt that I have amassed to get to where I am, and the general feeling that this planet has nothing more to offer me in ways of happiness. I didn’t hit the low that I hit a while back, the one where I scared myself, but I had hit a new low. A similar low, but at a different location in the depths. When I got home I sat in my car for about 5 minutes just staring at the dash board, waiting for the lonely silence to pass. It didn’t. My fiancé walked by and smiled at me, I felt compelled to smile back, so I did. I opened the door and went on with helping her do what she was doing. We went in, made dinner, played a few levels on Hyrule Warriors, the basics. It wasn’t a bad night, and It was the same kind of night that I’d been having this last week where I was feeling ok, so why did my emotions change?
I grew wary yesterday that I was going to fall deep again, and I did. This time it was much quicker than I ever could’ve expected. If I was an alcoholic, I can tell you for sure that I would’ve blacked out last night’s memories. I just went from Happy on Sunday, to feeling like complete sh!t on Monday. I went to bed and slept as expected, but I knew it was going to be horrible when I tried to get up. I’ve been trying to get up at 5 on the days I work. This way I have time off in the morning to write, draw…do whatever. I’ve been doing ok, getting up closer to 6 but getting there, but today, I couldn’t. Just like every day during my horrifying depression, waking up was something that I wasn’t letting myself do. I slept through my early alarms, and didn’t get up with my fiancé. I didn’t get up when she left and I didn’t even get up when she called to say she was at work. No, instead I did what I used to do and slept until about 7:40…a mere 35 minutes before I had to leave. I knew this feeling all too well. I knew where I was headed for the day…
I got myself together and ready, and headed out to my car. I sat there for a while staring at my phone, and writing a post. I wanted to post something angry and expressive; so I did. In the end I started to think about, and posted about, the consideration of coming up with my own business venture. I didn’t know what, but I wanted to do something. I decided at that exact moment that I was going to get out of my rut, and build a business out of nothing. I don’t know the first thing about business administration, I don’t know jack about how to start, but dammit I wanted it. When I started thinking about it, I put on some heavier, energetic music and had a weird feeling of confidence. It was nice, like an “I OWN THIS!” kind of feeling. I got in and started to text some friends, and some of my family to discuss my idea with them; what’s the point of an idea if you don’t tell anyone? I got some people interested and on board.
Then it came down to my lunch hour. I went downstairs into the empty space of the office building and sat in an office. I had to call my dad and talk with him (he was curious on what my idea was) and I felt it coming back again. Not the confidence, but the dread. I started to talk about my idea with him, and as I said the words that came to mind, I started to tell myself that it was stupid and that I would never succeed. We discussed it for a while and he said some things that didn’t help, but were necessary. At the end of the discussion I felt…hollow. Again. That’s when I fell apart. When it came up why I wanted to do this, I couldn’t hold my tongue; I told him the truth.
I’m not built for the office life.
I’m not willing to continue working as a faceless drone for people that don’t’ care about me.
I’m not willing to be stuck in the low level position I’m in.
I’m stuck in 2 mentalities. The first is the new age progressive mentality of my generation. We think that we have the answer for all the world’s problems, and that everyone should be able to do what they want when they want and live life as happy as possible and your dreams are totally within your reach.
The second is that of those who came before us. You have a responsibility to do your job. You have to do your job. Shut up, quit day dreaming about what you want to do, and do your job. You’re not special, you are part of the system and are only meant to show up, do your job and leave. Quite complaining, at least you have a job.
It’s painful to be stuck in these mentalities, mainly because one tells me I should always try to better myself, and the other says that I need to just be happy with where I am. So, all this morning, I dreamt of starting a business and doing something fun with my life, then in an instant my mind shut me down. I realized that this is the path I’m on…and I know what happened.
When I was in elementary school, and was young and naïve, I, like many of us, was told that the sky was the limit. Our parents and teachers told us that we could be anything we wanted to be, all while hiding their resentment for their parts in corporate America. We were told to dream big and dream loud….and all because they had it hard, and wanted us to have it better. They had our best interest in mind. Then it came time for high school. These same people that told me I could do anything, were then telling me that I had better go to college or I’d be a failure. Using lines like “Go to college or work at McDonalds.” and the such. These were the people that we were trained from day 1 to listen to, and respect the authority of. They were now telling us to go to college, so what did I do? Yeah, I went to college. You know what none of them told me? That I would be buried in debt until I am in my 50’s. When I get to have my midlife crisis, will probably be the same month I finish my student loans, maybe. This debt starts repayment in January, and I can’t afford it. The school I went to screwed us all over and decided that they wanted to privatize as much of our loans as they could, then sell them off. Guess what that means? Yep, NO DEFERMENT!!! HAHAHA!!!
So the advice given to me with my best interest in mind, is the same advice that forced me into the worst financial decision of my life, and has amassed the most debt, and pushed me into a niche that is apparently undesirable. I have a bachelors in Information Security, and I’m undesirable. Mainly because the market is so saturated by those of us promised that the demand would be ridiculous. We were told “Oh if you work in this field you’ll always have a job and everyone will want you.” It was all bullsh!t. All of. From day 1. I was given no time to find myself or decide what I wanted to do, instead I was told that I had 1 year to make a decision, and I chose something I thought I would like. It isn’t. I’m not happy in my field, and I doubt I ever will be.
The worst part is, now I’m thinking for myself, and I can’t My confidence kicks in at the initial idea, but the fact that I’m doing something to better myself and potentially not helping anyone else….it breaks me. I can’t bring myself to do anything risky, because if I fail I won’t be able to continue living in my home, driving my car, or supporting anything. I have blocked out the potential for innovations and risk taking because I don’t want to fail anyone else. To hell with myself…..
In my mind, I can no longer even consider an idea that may be better for me, just because I think about what happens to EVERYONE ELSE if I fail. I just want my life….that’s all…And I can’t even get myself to control that…..
This is what it feels like, for anyone wondering…
-Lucas C.
-I’m sorry to anyone that has to read my blog. I don’t want to keep posting about being depressed…I really don’t. This was on my mind and it was hurting so i needed to let it out…
Lights In The Sky 