I’ve been told that I control my own happiness, and while I agree that I hold the reins, there are a billion different factors that are controlling the direction of the horse. I’ve realized I’m not going to be happy no matter what I do. I’m not miserable because I dislike my manager or my job, I’m miserable because the office environment is not who I am. Sitting here every day from 8:30AM to 5:00PM is tearing me apart. I don’t work the whole time I’m here because I can’t focus on it at all. I have an undying fear of monotony driving me into a “comfortable” position to the point of me ending up like all the other miserable people who work like damn robots. No sense of sled, just doing and never stopping.
I am not a machine! I am not a line worker! I am not someone’s slave that can be told to jump and ask how high. I can do the work that I’m assigned, I just don’t because of the monotony. I don’t want to work for the sake of working, I want to work to achieve, to accomplish, to inform and to proliferate the accomplishments made by myself and my family. I am not designed for this desk work. I cannot live with doing my job for 8 hours only to have the work be done for those 8 hours, and have to do it all again in 12. I don’t want to work to finish my pile of papers for the day. I want to work and see what I actually accomplished. What did I create? What did my time bring into fruition? This is why I want to be a writer. It can be a struggle, but every day end with any number of words drafted and organized in a manner that has never been done or even considered.
I know it’s time for me to move on…but…I can’t. I have to, but I’m unable. I’m deathly afraid of the failure, of trying in general. Every attempt is lined with uncertainty and doubt, as well as the fear of letting everyone down. This is the intellect in me, it’s not logical to take a leap of faith, to jump in with both feet. This is the reason I’m not married, don’t have/want kids, still live close to where I was born, etc…
This is what’s so wrong with me…. I desperately crave certainty, consistency and structure, but despise monotony. There’s no forgetting logic for me, there’s no forgetting the other people, because logic and those I love are my consistency, my structure, and my safety net. I cannot seem to break down my own structure, I’ve tried and tried, and I always end up building the walls again. The walls that have always held me safe. But safe doesn’t make me happy. Sage makes me miserable. Safe is what makes me choke back the pain and smile. Safe is what makes me tell everyone that everything will be alright, but makes me to where I cannot stand hearing it from others. I know how plastic the words can be, and I always assume they are…
I want nothing more than to wake up one day, and just live. I don’t want to end up merely existing on this Earth. The time I have is limited, and while I may be on the low-end of the scale, there’s still an end. That end is a certainty, not a possibility. I don’t want to mechanically do anything for my whole life and look back regretfully. That’s my biggest fear; looking back when I’m old and just…wishing I’d done more. The problem is, I apply that fear to my life now, and I’m heading down that path…
Sincerely,
A lost soul that watches the stars, attempting to connect the dots for an answer.
Lights In The Sky 