Today Feels hollow (Caution; expletives)

Today feels…
Well…
It actually feels empty. It feels like there’s something missing, like something is just…not there, or out of place. I’ve gone through my normal routine, but it just feels broken. I know that’s a weird way to say it; but it’s how it is. I’m sitting here at my desk like every other Monday, but I don’t feel all here. My body is physically present, but my mind is wandering around elsewhere.

Do you want to know the truth? I’m not happy working a desk job. I went to college for 4 years (going on 6) to get a degree in a field that is office work. I did so because I was told that it’s what I was SUPPOSED to do. Why is it what I was supposed to do? Because if I didn’t go to school and get a degree and go spend 1/3 of every weekday giving my time to a company that wouldn’t care if I disappeared from the face of the Earth, I’d be considered lazy. If I didn’t sign up to be a lackey for the higher ups, to be walked on, to be a floor-mat for other people, then I’d be wasting my time. I had to get a job making an average amount of money so I could drive an average car, pay money to rent an average place to live and do average things long enough to have average kids then buy an average house so my average kids have an average yard to play in that I’ll have to mow every Saturday during the summer at approximately 11:30 AM. I have to be average. I have to keep up with the Jones’ and make sure that I have at least one flashy thing to show off to everyone, all the while barely surviving off the low-balled income that the company offered me, knowing I’d take it because the market is being saturated. I have to be like everyone else, because it’s how it’s always been and If I exit the norm then I’m lazy or selfish and bound to fail.

Welcome to the reasoning behind my fear of trying anything, my fear of failure, and thus my fear of success. I cannot STAND this job. I hate my Degree, I hate this industry, I hate my boss and I hate my coworkers. I don’t want to own a house, I like renting a smaller place. I don’t want to get married, I like just being with my partner on our terms. I don’t want kids, I have no intention on ever having miniature hellions to take care of. You know what, I am Selfish. I am selfish to the extent that I want to live my life on my terms. Fuck your average, fuck your normal, and fuck anyone who tells me that I’m self-centered or lazy. As I sit here at my desk typing this, I feel miserable as hell. I want to burst into tears, I want to fall over and never get up and I want to just say Fuck everything and get in line with every other assimilated asshole. Is that normal? Should I feel like dying at all times? If so, then,  again, FUCK YOUR NORMAL.

I am not a number, I am not a job title, I am not your fucking doormat.

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My Greatest Fear

I’ve been told that I control my own happiness, and while I agree that I hold the reins, there are a billion different factors that are controlling the direction of the horse. I’ve realized I’m not going to be happy no matter what I do. I’m not miserable because I dislike my manager or my job, I’m miserable because the office environment is not who I am. Sitting here every day from 8:30AM to 5:00PM is tearing me apart. I don’t work the whole time I’m here because I can’t focus on it at all. I have an undying fear of monotony driving me into a “comfortable” position to the point of me ending up like all the other miserable people who work like damn robots. No sense of sled, just doing and never stopping.

I am not a machine! I am not a line worker! I am not someone’s slave that can be told to jump and ask how high. I can do the work that I’m assigned, I just don’t because of the monotony. I don’t want to work for the sake of working, I want to work to achieve, to accomplish, to inform and to proliferate the accomplishments made by myself and my family. I am not designed for this desk work. I cannot live with doing my job for 8 hours only to have the work be done for those 8 hours, and have to do it all again in 12. I don’t want to work to finish my pile of papers for the day. I want to work and see what I actually accomplished. What did I create? What did my time bring into fruition? This is why I want to be a writer. It can be a struggle, but every day end with any number of words drafted and organized in a manner that has never been done or even considered.

I know it’s time for me to move on…but…I can’t. I have to, but I’m unable. I’m deathly afraid of the failure, of trying in general. Every attempt is lined with uncertainty and doubt, as well as the fear of letting everyone down. This is the intellect in me, it’s not logical to take a leap of faith, to jump in with both feet. This is the reason I’m not married, don’t have/want kids, still live close to where I was born, etc…

This is what’s so wrong with me…. I desperately crave certainty, consistency and structure, but despise monotony. There’s no forgetting logic for me, there’s no forgetting the other people, because logic and those I love are my consistency, my structure, and my safety net. I cannot seem to break down my own structure, I’ve tried and tried, and I always end up building the walls again. The walls that have always held me safe. But safe doesn’t make me happy. Sage makes me miserable. Safe is what makes me choke back the pain and smile. Safe is what makes me tell everyone that everything will be alright, but makes me to where I cannot stand hearing it from others. I know how plastic the words can be, and I always assume they are…

I want nothing more than to wake up one day, and just live. I don’t want to end up merely existing on this Earth. The time I have is limited, and while I may be on the low-end of the scale, there’s still an end. That end is a certainty, not a possibility. I don’t want to mechanically do anything for my whole life and look back regretfully. That’s my biggest fear; looking back when I’m old and just…wishing I’d done more. The problem is, I apply that fear to my life now, and I’m heading down that path…

Sincerely,
A lost soul that watches the stars, attempting to connect the dots for an answer.

Away for way too long

It feels like forever since you and I last spoke. It looks like I last posted in September…now how have I managed to be away from my lovely Lights in the Sky for sooooo long?

Anyways, let’s talk.

I’m feeling better. Since we last spoke I’ve had 2 mental breaks. 2 in almost 5 months. That’s good for me! One of them was just me being…well…me. I have zero-tolerance for stupidity, and unfortunately I was met with what I thought to be stupidity. It lashed out, I exploded, then I left the scene for a bit. It was what had to happen. I had to walk away from the stress, no matter how much I didn’t want to. Driving in the snow is a fantastic way to gather your thoughts, even if it’s just a few blocks and back. The other time…ooooh the other time. It wasn’t my fault; the stresses of life gathered themselves upon me and decided that I needed to be kicked repeatedly. I think I’ll be OK though. I hope I’ll be OK. If not…well that’s a bridge I’ll have to cross later.

I have been trying to work on a few things as of late. First and foremost, I want to stop myself from holding on to things. I want to be able to let go of things as I need. These can be physical, emotional, or any combination of the two. I tend to keep my grip on things that I love, and on things that affect me. My physical connections typically manifest themselves in a messy house. My emotional ones manifest in dreams, and oh how I hate these dreams. I had one last night that I don’t want to really talk about, but it was… well… it just was. It hurt. I woke up from it and found myself dwelling on it all morning. It involved my past, and I hate my past. The person I was prior to being the person I am now is someone that I wish I never was. Regardless, I dismissed it after a while, but it keeps flashing into my mind randomly and bumming me out. I wish my memory worked in a manner that would allow me to just delete it, but alas, I can’t.

The next thing I’ve been working on is my habit of worrying about the future. Being in my early/mid twenties I’ve found that I worry about what’s going to happen in the future. Be it debt, death, or anything lined in a thick layer of uncertainty, I tend to let the preparation of said events take over my life. There was a point in my life where I consistently told myself that “Right now is all that matters”. As I’ve slipped into my twenties I’ve found that I no longer can live by that philosophy.

Regardless… I’m going to go home now. I’m going to spend my night, not dwelling, and not worrying about the future…

Until Next Time!
TheWriter

This Is What It Feels Like…

Today I sank lower than I’ve ever been. Just as the light of day was starting to pierce the fog in my mind, it started to downpour. The sun was blocked and my mind went back into its dark place, finding comfort in the lowly feeling of hollowness that it had grown used to. About halfway through yesterday I began to feel down. It’d been a difficult day, and I was starting to get into my mood of “worry and frustration” with everything in my life. I was sitting and thinking about my disappointment of a job, my failing career path, the debt that I have amassed to get to where I am, and the general feeling that this planet has nothing more to offer me in ways of happiness. I didn’t hit the low that I hit a while back, the one where I scared myself, but I had hit a new low. A similar low, but at a different location in the depths. When I got home I sat in my car for about 5 minutes just staring at the dash board, waiting for the lonely silence to pass. It didn’t. My fiancé walked by and smiled at me, I felt compelled to smile back, so I did. I opened the door and went on with helping her do what she was doing. We went in, made dinner, played a few levels on Hyrule Warriors, the basics. It wasn’t a bad night, and It was the same kind of night that I’d been having this last week where I was feeling ok, so why did my emotions change?

I grew wary yesterday that I was going to fall deep again, and I did. This time it was much quicker than I ever could’ve expected. If I was an alcoholic, I can tell you for sure that I would’ve blacked out last night’s memories. I just went from Happy on Sunday, to feeling like complete sh!t on Monday. I went to bed and slept as expected, but I knew it was going to be horrible when I tried to get up. I’ve been trying to get up at 5 on the days I work. This way I have time off in the morning to write, draw…do whatever. I’ve been doing ok, getting up closer to 6 but getting there, but today, I couldn’t. Just like every day during my horrifying depression, waking up was something that I wasn’t letting myself do. I slept through my early alarms, and didn’t get up with my fiancé. I didn’t get up when she left and I didn’t even get up when she called to say she was at work. No, instead I did what I used to do and slept until about 7:40…a mere 35 minutes before I had to leave. I knew this feeling all too well. I knew where I was headed for the day…

I got myself together and ready, and headed out to my car. I sat there for a while staring at my phone, and writing a post. I wanted to post something angry and expressive; so I did. In the end I started to think about, and posted about, the consideration of coming up with my own business venture. I didn’t know what, but I wanted to do something. I decided at that exact moment that I was going to get out of my rut, and build a business out of nothing. I don’t know the first thing about business administration, I don’t know jack about how to start, but dammit I wanted it. When I started thinking about it, I put on some heavier, energetic music and had a weird feeling of confidence. It was nice, like an “I OWN THIS!” kind of feeling. I got in and started to text some friends, and some of my family to discuss my idea with them; what’s the point of an idea if you don’t tell anyone? I got some people interested and on board.

Then it came down to my lunch hour. I went downstairs into the empty space of the office building and sat in an office. I had to call my dad and talk with him (he was curious on what my idea was) and I felt it coming back again. Not the confidence, but the dread. I started to talk about my idea with him, and as I said the words that came to mind, I started to tell myself that it was stupid and that I would never succeed. We discussed it for a while and he said some things that didn’t help, but were necessary. At the end of the discussion I felt…hollow. Again. That’s when I fell apart. When it came up why I wanted to do this, I couldn’t hold my tongue; I told him the truth.

I’m not built for the office life.

I’m not willing to continue working as a faceless drone for people that don’t’ care about me.

I’m not willing to be stuck in the low level position I’m in.

I’m stuck in 2 mentalities. The first is the new age progressive mentality of my generation. We think that we have the answer for all the world’s problems, and that everyone should be able to do what they want when they want and live life as happy as possible and your dreams are totally within your reach.

The second is that of those who came before us. You have a responsibility to do your job. You have to do your job. Shut up, quit day dreaming about what you want to do, and do your job. You’re not special, you are part of the system and are only meant to show up, do your job and leave. Quite complaining, at least you have a job.

It’s painful to be stuck in these mentalities, mainly because one tells me I should always try to better myself, and the other says that I need to just be happy with where I am. So, all this morning, I dreamt of starting a business and doing something fun with my life, then in an instant my mind shut me down. I realized that this is the path I’m on…and I know what happened.

When I was in elementary school, and was young and naïve, I, like many of us, was told that the sky was the limit. Our parents and teachers told us that we could be anything we wanted to be, all while hiding their resentment for their parts in corporate America. We were told to dream big and dream loud….and all because they had it hard, and wanted us to have it better. They had our best interest in mind. Then it came time for high school. These same people that told me I could do anything, were then telling me that I had better go to college or I’d be a failure. Using lines like “Go to college or work at McDonalds.” and the such. These were the people that we were trained from day 1 to listen to, and respect the authority of. They were now telling us to go to college, so what did I do? Yeah, I went to college. You know what none of them told me? That I would be buried in debt until I am in my 50’s. When I get to have my midlife crisis, will probably be the same month I finish my student loans, maybe. This debt starts repayment in January, and I can’t afford it. The school I went to screwed us all over and decided that they wanted to privatize as much of our loans as they could, then sell them off. Guess what that means? Yep, NO DEFERMENT!!! HAHAHA!!!

So the advice given to me with my best interest in mind, is the same advice that forced me into the worst financial decision of my life, and has amassed the most debt, and pushed me into a niche that is apparently undesirable. I have a bachelors in Information Security, and I’m undesirable. Mainly because the market is so saturated by those of us promised that the demand would be ridiculous. We were told “Oh if you work in this field you’ll always have a job and everyone will want you.” It was all bullsh!t. All of. From day 1. I was given no time to find myself or decide what I wanted to do, instead I was told that I had 1 year to make a decision, and I chose something I thought I would like. It isn’t. I’m not happy in my field, and I doubt I ever will be.

The worst part is, now I’m thinking for myself, and I can’t My confidence kicks in at the initial idea, but the fact that I’m doing something to better myself and potentially not helping anyone else….it breaks me. I can’t bring myself to do anything risky, because if I fail I won’t be able to continue living in my home, driving my car, or supporting anything. I have blocked out the potential for innovations and risk taking because I don’t want to fail anyone else. To hell with myself…..

In my mind, I can no longer even consider an idea that may be better for me, just because I think about what happens to EVERYONE ELSE if I fail. I just want my life….that’s all…And I can’t even get myself to control that…..

This is what it feels like, for anyone wondering…

-Lucas C.

-I’m sorry to anyone that has to read my blog. I don’t want to keep posting about being depressed…I really don’t. This was on my mind and it was hurting so i needed to let it out…

Butterflies and Moths

The human life cycle is much like that of a butterfly’s. In the beginning we are a caterpillar, making our ways to the limbs out on which we must walk. We find the most comfortable branch and settle,, until we find it’s time for us to consider changing things. We then pupate and wrap ourselves in a cocoon, making sure that we remain warm and comfortable all the while preparing for the next big thing. We have done all that we can as a caterpillar, and have decided that we want to blossom into a gorgeous butterfly, fluttering gracefully on the warm summer breeze, reaching heights that we never dreamed of prior. We wait and we wait, preparing ourselves for that big moment when we can burst out of our shell and take the world head-on. However, not all caterpillars are destined to be the great monarch, some of them turn into moths. Moths, while helpful, tend to be drab and colorless, and they are typically looked over no more than once. You see them and think ‘Oh hey, a moth.’ but they aren’t something you point out to people near you. This isn’t always true, some moths are absolutely gorgeous, the Brahmin, the Luna, the hawkmoth, the atlas and white witch moth, the Io Moth, the leopard and even the Death’s head moth, but those are not the norm like the common Quaker moth. The Moths that are beautiful are the ones that you gawk over because of how unexpected it is to see a moth so gorgeous. When you hear the word moth you think grey, drab, sitting on the side of a building or smacking blindly into a light bulb. When you hear butterfly, you think colorful, graceful insect, enjoying the sweet nectar of nature’s prettiest flowers.

Which would you rather be? A butterfly or a moth? Would you like to the be the one that is revered and loved, and pointed out as you flutter your way as high as you can go? Or would you rather be the gray one, while interesting, typically ignored by most.

On that same note…consider what stage of the game you’re in? Are you still the caterpillar trying to find your limb? Are you still the cocoon, waiting, preparing, or have you already hatched, and become one of the above?

These are the kinds of things that I think when I look at information on insects….

-Lucas C.

This is my shortest post so far, and the only one to be written purely from my mind…it required no research…I don’t know why that’s important, but…wooh!

Have I mentioned I love LifeHack?

I would like to start this post out by saying that I think I may be coming out of my depression, or depression-like state. I won’t say for certain that I was or am depressed, as I have not been diagnosed or anything of that nature. I am however willing to say that, whatever I was in, I am coming out of. It may be temporary, it may be permanent, I don’t know. It started out last week, near the end of the week, I just started feeling…well…better. I’m still not in the clear, and it’s an uphill battle from here to undo what I’ve done to myself mentally, and to those I love, but it’ll get there. I’ve been doing a number of things a little differently, but there’s one thing that I changed very recently versus when I started to feel better (and by very recently I mean 24 hours prior). I added Turmeric capsules to my mornings (http://smile.amazon.com/dp/B0017OFR5Q). I’m not trying to sell these capsules, I have no stake in them, and I’m definitely not a case study by any means. Have they helped me? It’s possible, there was little time between when I started taking these and when my mood was elevated. I’ve kept taking them, and honestly, I’ve continued to feel ok. Is it strictly them? Probably not, I’ve been doing a number of things (writing, electro-experimental music creation, drawing, reading, etc.) that may be helping me, but one thing is for sure, they haven’t hurt. SO, my final suggestion, if you can spare the $11, give them a shot, they may help. If they don’t, you’re out $11 and can keep trying other things.

You may be asking yourself, is there any reason to expect that these are helpful for depression? The answer is a straight-forward, no-doubt-possible, 100% POSSIBLY. 1 2 3 4 5 There is no certainty, but it COULD help, and that’s the point I’m trying to make. If you are having trouble getting to the point you want to be, and don’t want to take Anti-Depressants (and while I understand the struggle mentally with taking AD’s, you should always consider the possibility if you find that nothing else works) maybe trying something natural could help some. They also smell like cinnamon in my opinion (or pizza in my lovely fiancé’s opinion.) Please remember that I am NOT A DOCTOR and am not able to offer any medical advice. I am here solely expressing that something MAY help, and it’s up to you figure out the rest. If it helps, great, if not, keep trying. Again, if you are severely depressed, or depressed in general, you should consider seeing a doctor. There is always the possibility that anti-depressants are what will help you. I want nothing more than for those suffering to get better.

I don’t really have much to discuss today, so I think I’ll find another article to discuss. I’ve mentioned that I love the site Lifehack.org6.   They post stories regularly in one of 6 main categories, but have a total of 16 topics that they discuss frequently. The 6 are the top level and the rest are sub categories. Regardless, it is easy to find things that you want to read on the site. I spend most of my time in the subcategories of… well…Honestly I looked them over and couldn’t choose one or two. I think the ONLY ones I don’t go to are iOS and mac, and that’s because they don’t honestly interest me.

LifeHack is your typical “X number of things that…” style of website like Cracked or Buzzfeed. Granted I think that Cracked is funny and Buzzfeed is, well, Buzzfeed, Lifehack has stories that grab my interest, and has honestly found its place in my PaperMind. I love their style, I love their topics, and I love their categories. Right now, I’m reading an article that I would like to discuss, because it may help some people out of a rut. The article on Lifehack.org that I am reading is titled “10 Morning Habits of Highly Successful People that Make Them Extraordinary.”7

This article is your fairly typical LifeHack article. They do their research, they list the ideas, and they explain them. I love the way they present their information, and honestly I would love to dissect their articles and present them to my readers (all 3 of you, I love you all!) and potentially learn something. So here we go… Due to me not wanting to type 5000 words, I am going to cut this list down to the points that I feel are most important. I still suggest you read the article, and do your own research on the matters.

1. Indra Nooyi (The CEO Of Pepsi) wakes up REALLY EARLY. This sounds like “early bird gets the worm” hodgepodge, but there may actually be some truth to it. LifeHack touts that waking up early gives you more time in your day, and more time that you have control over. I couldn’t agree more with these statements. If you have to be at work at 8:30AM, but often times find yourself waking up at 7:40AM, with a 15 minute drive between home and work (guilty…) you pretty much have 35 minutes between rushing out of bed to the minute you have to rush out the door. That leaves no time for yourself, and puts you in a work state of mind directly out of sleep. That’s a horrible idea as you are immediately introducing stress into your day and you go from sleeping to stress right off the plate. The alternative suggestion is waking up earlier in the day. There are actually known benefits to waking up earlier8. It’s actually more natural to wake up earlier than it is to sleep in, the world wakes up with the sun, and that’s what we should be doing as well. Another benefit is, as stated above, having more you time. Having time for yourself to do those things you want to do is incredibly important for your well-being. Sure, you aren’t going be able to go to the movies at 5:43 in the morning, but you can go for a walk, watch something on Netflix, paint, draw, learn a new skill….Opportunities are honestly endless. I’m not going to go through all of the benefits, but I’ve put some decent, and fairly quick reads in the sources. 9 10
2. Tony Robbins (A Motivational Speaker) says that you should do an HOUR OF POWER! This sounds cheesy. Oh yes, yes indeed it does. You know why? Because it is cheesy! What exactly is an hour of power? It’s time taken to listen to/Do anything that motivates you. Maybe you could spend your time being motivated by the current top selling audiobook. Maybe a youtube search of Motivational videos is what you need. Maybe your motivation comes from exercise, prayer, meditation or goal setting11. Whatever it is, DO IT! Doing so will help you feel better from the beginning of the day, straight through the end of the day. Basically, if it makes you scream “CARPE DIEM!” do it in the morning before you are obligated to doing anything else. Oh, and LifeHack suggests doing it for 30 minutes…that actually makes this a half hour of power…
3. Steve jobs (You probably know who this guy was) says that you should ask yourself one question. And that question is “If today was the last day of my life, would I still want to do what I am about to do today?” No lie, the answer is probably always going to be no for me. If I knew that it was going to be my last day, I wouldn’t pack up my laptop, get in my car and drive 15 minutes down K-10 to the office. However, reflecting on your dislike of your job isn’t the purpose of this question. The purpose is to get you to think about how you are living your life and what you should change. If you find yourself answering no regularly, then you should consider a change. I’ve linked another WP blog 13 that has a ton more information, including the video where he said this quote, in the references. I’m not a huge fan of Apple or Jobs, but this is an inspirational question.
4. Brian Tracy (an Author) States that you should eat a frog…not really. Ok, so he didn’t actually say eat a frog, but eat YOUR frog. Once you get into your motivated state, and you’ve answered the hard hitting questions, you should look at the things you desperately need to get done, but have been putting off. Essentially, the purpose of the “eat the Frog” idea is to get you to do one of 4 things 13 (Hey look, my research led me back to Lifehack!) Something you want to do, but don’t necessarily need to do. Something you don’t want to do, but need to do. Something you want to do and need to do. And/Or Something you don’t want to do, and don’t necessarily need to do. There’s an order in which you should do the things, but I look at this way, if you do anything, and you get it out of the way, then you’ve done something, and that is all that matters.
5. Christin Galib (a banking executive) says that you should Plan and Strategize. I’m not surprised to see this kind of thing on this list. One of the biggest things you can do is map out what you are going to do with your day, with your week, year and even life. Using a strategy, or a laid out plan, to handle everything can actually help people that have attention issues, or need help following a plan. I suggest doing things from a larger picture and drawing them down to the microscopic point of view. Start with the BIG things, what are you wanting out of life. Do you have a set goal? If so, Write it down, if you have several, write them all down and map them together. The next thing to do is to mark it down to the year, what do you want to accomplish by the end of 20XX. (I’m stopping there, because I’m guessing that by 2100 nobody will be reading my blog). Bring this in to the end of the week, and then the end of the day. Rework the goals as the weeks/days pass. Overall, the main reasoning here is so you have clearly defined goals along a clearly defined path.

So there you have it, the 5 top things that I agree with. The other 5 are good, BUT I felt that these 5 were the better, and I didn’t want to write a book here. The other 5 are included below, but I still implore you to please go read the article and continue on.

Don’t stare directly at the sun.

Lucas C.

REMAINDER:

6. Ursula Burns (the CEO of XEROX) says to burn your calories.
7. Wendy Key (pharmaceutical Exec) says to jot down in your gratitude journal.
8. Obie Mackenzi (BlackRob Managing Director) tells you to connect with your partnet.
9. Manisha Thakor (MoneyZen wealth management) says to meditate and CLEAR YOUR MIND
10. Judi Rosenthal (a financial planner) challenges you to cuddle and bond with your children.

1. http://www.livestrong.com/article/464201-turmeric-for-depression/
2. http://www.collective-evolution.com/2013/07/31/study-finds-turmeric-is-effective-as-prozac-for-treating-depression/
3. http://www.power-of-turmeric.com/curcumin-and-depression.html
4. http://www.turmericforhealth.com/turmeric-benefits/can-turmeric-help-in-depression
5. http://www.everydayhealth.com/depression-pictures/8-foods-that-fight-depression.aspx#08
6. www.lifehack.org
7. http://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/10-morning-habits-highly-successful-people-that-make-them-extraordinary.html
8. http://www.lifestyleupdated.com/2012/04/02/waking-up-early-benefits-how-to-guide/
9. http://gabrielboth.com/5-reasons-why-waking-up-early-makes-for-a-successful-day/
10. http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/226910
11. https://www.udemy.com/blog/morning-motivation/
12. http://bradpierce.wordpress.com/2008/12/12/if-today-were-the-last-day-of-my-life-would-i-want-to-do-what-i-am-about-to-do-today/
13. http://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/eat-the-frogs-first-a-guide-to-prioritizing.html

PaperMind begins.

Alright, now that I’ve established that I like to write and that a blog is the best way for me to express myself and my personal ideas, I would like to move on to something other than depression. Depression is a serious topic, and a serious problem, and it deserves a good amount of the limelight, but I’d like to be a blog that is more diverse, that explores anything that comes to mind, makes me happy, and deserves a 5 minute conversation and so forth. If I remember correctly I mentioned that I keep a notebook of thoughts, quotes, and other little things that make me happy. It’s something that I keep near me when I’m at work, and its available most of the time when I get home. I started it quite a while ago, though I don’t remember when, but it’s been significant in helping me find myself. It started as me rambling or recording thoughts to read later, and it has done its job, though I don’t think I’ve actually gone back and read anything I wrote. Because I want to change that, posting what I wrote and why I think I wrote it will help to better establish a personal understanding. Who know, I may help someone else with my thoughts as well.

The notebook is just that, a small insignificant notebook. The front is white and blue with some random written thoughts. The top left is branded with the word “Quill.com”, then it is named the bland name of “Steno Notebook”. The bottom left indicates that its pages are 6” x 9” Gregg ruled white sheets. It also states that it has 80 individual sheets within the notebook, which is easily doubled by using the back of the page, meaning that there are a potential of 160 pages and two covers to decorate with my thoughts. The final thing that was printed by the company that sells them is the Reorder number, which is SBNW¹. Overall, the notebook is bland, cheap and honestly unexciting. In looking it over, and deciding what to put in it, I think it needs a name, and I have one that I have given it (as of this posting). From here on I shall refer to my notebook as PaperMind. To make it official, I wrote it on the top…so there…its name is PaperMind. It has no back story…it’s just a notebook.

All that being said, and now that I’ve described its branding marks, I’d like to move on to what I’ve written on the cover. The cover is one of the most important things about this notebook because it’s the first thing I see every time I pick it up. If I write something on the cover, it has to be something that I can read over and over and feel that it continues to hold its weight. My favorite thing about what I’ve written on the front is that they make me smile, or make me think. So…again 500 words in… Here’s what I have written on the cover, and what it all means to me.

• “Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.”²
  • Based on the source I posted, this quote is found all over the place. I don’t remember where I found it, but it struck me. It’s a strong quote that really helps you to look at where you are and where you should be. While “letting go” is not always something that can easily be done, it’s a strong quote and it tells the truth. If you let go of anything that doesn’t serve you in any way, grow you, or make you happy, you will be happier.
• “Memento Mori. Carpe Diem.”³
  • Ah yes, the ever powerful Latin quotes. In looking at the quote, it appears I may have written it backwards but the meaning is the same. Memento Mori is essentially “Remember mortality.” It basically means ‘remember that you are mortal’. Mortality is a painful thought, but it helps. If you know that you have a time constraint, then you are less likely to waste that time. I think we all know what “Carpe Diem” means, but to those that don’t it means “Seize the day”, or essentially “live each day like it’s your last, make the most out of the day, etc, etc.”. So, all together, “Remember Mortality. Seize the day.”
• “Don’t Exist. Live!”⁴
  • This is apparently the start to a quote by Brian Krans. Looking at the full quote, I actually like it more than just the first segment. Regardless, for the cover, this quote is a strong one. It’s not enough to exist, you have to live. Everyone exists, everyone is part of a messed up reality that you can’t change, but no one else can live your life. Don’t be a number, don’t be a statistic, don’t be a name, just be you, the person.
• “Your life is historically meaningful, and spans a significant time.” ^{5 and 6}
  • This is a segment of the song “Sorrow” by Bad Religion. I was actually listening to it this morning on my drive to work. It came on my stereo through the magical art of “shuffling” the songs on my music player. I was going to skip it initially, but I decided that it would be a nice morning song, Bad Religion has never steered me wrong. I listened to it 4 times on my way in. I didn’t realize how awesome this song was and it actually helped me to smile.
• “We are the most aggressively inarticulate generation to come along since, ya know, a long time ago” & “Say what you believe in a manner that bespeaks the determination with which you believe it. Because, contrary to the wisdom of the bumper sticker, it is not enough these days to simply QUESTION AUTHORITY. You have to SPEAK with it, too” ⁷
  • These both come directly from one of my idols; Taylor Mali⁸ and his slam poem “Totally Like Whatever, You know?” ⁷ Taylor Mali, for anyone that doesn’t know who he is, is a slam poet and teacher. He has written some of the greatest poems that I have ever heard, and I HIGHLY recommend listening to some of the things he’s done.
• “Every great story on the planet happened when someone decided not to give up, but kept going no matter what.” – Spryte Lorrano
  • This quote is a little generic, but I felt that it was good. It is a strong statement about not giving up and how not giving up can lead to having a great story to tell. That’s how I feel with this blog…with my book….with everything.

So there they are. These are what I’ve decided to put on the inside/outside cover of the PaperMind. They may mean nothing to you, but I love them and, honestly, they were strong enough to make a difference to me.

As a side note I’d like to recommend an awesome blog… http://www.365go.me . This is a daily blog made by a woman that used to work at the company that I currently work for. She retired and decided to take the time to find herself. She’s had some interesting stories to tell, she’s gone through hardships, but best of all, she’s just writing to figure out who she is. I wish I had the money to retire and do this too, but that’s not important. What is important is that I’m taking the time to find myself now in my own way…

No matter where you are, never forget where you came from. It’s these trials and hard times that formed the foundation on which you now walk.

-Lucas C.

1. http://www.quill.com/white-steno-pads/cbs/001491.html?PromoCode=400400001
2. http://morethansayings.blogspot.com/2012/06/respect-yourself-enough-to-walk-away.html
3. http://webstandards.raquedan.com/?p=358
4. https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/128536-don-t-exist-live-get-out-explore-thrive-challenge-authority-challenge
5. http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/badreligion/slumber.html
6. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbFHwulwCvI
7. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEBZkWkkdZA
8. http://www.taylormali.com/

What not To say to someone that is Depressed

My last post was one on depression, and it was built to be aimed towards people that are/may be depressed. It’s hard to acknowledge that you’re depressed, or may be depressed, and I believe that’s what makes it so hard to simply accept what you are going through. This post isn’t directed towards those that are depressed, it’s for the ones that are wanting to help, or know someone in their life that is depressed. Again…depression isn’t feeling sad, it’s a serious issue and something that a number of people go through on a constant basis.

I found this post about a letter than someone wrote when they were depressed, and clinically determined to be so. ¹ It’s a good read and I really like that she shared it on the internet because it exemplifies a number of the things that people feel when they are needing help the most. I would like to take a moment to dissect some of the things she was feeling in order to demonstrate that these are things people think when they feel hopeless. Sure, this letter has a religious overtone to it, but I honestly don’t care. If faith is what it takes for you to feel better, then embrace it. To me it’s no different than if you take up painting.

• “When I had all these things happening to me, I was scared; I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was blaming myself.”
  • We’ve all been there. We have always been told that we are a product of our actions, and that what happens to us is, more often than not, in our control. Now imagine feeling hopeless, worthless, and like your life is pointless. Now imagine feeling that all of these thoughts are your fault. This becomes a never ending cycle. “I’m worthless and it’s my fault. It’s my fault that I’m worthless.”
• “I felt stupid for feeling depressed; I thought that it was something that I should be able to control myself and just stop.”
  • This is incredibly common, and it’s incredibly dangerous. People think that depression is just being sad and that people should just stop and be happy. That’s not how this works. If people could just turn off depression, they would; trust me.
• “I could see my depression was having a bad impact on them.”
  • This is the easiest way to get a person that’s depressed to shut you out, and possibly make the worst decision possible. If you start to tell them that their depression is affecting you, or you make it obvious that their depression is a problem for you, what are they supposed to do? Unfortunately, if someone is in a deep depression and they feel that they are a burden…what do you think will happen?
    • Some facts on suicide²: ~40,000 Americans commit suicide each year. Most of them don’t seek help. For those of us between 15 and 24, suicide is the second leading cause of death. 15% of all people (that’s 15 out of every hundred) will kill themselves while they are depressed. For every 1 person that successfully commits suicide, approximately 8 to 25 are attempted. Approximately one person successfully commits suicide every 13.3 minutes.

One section that I want to point out is this part right here; “I felt like I was being selfish, acting in that way that worried everyone”. This is one of the most important things to remember when you are talking to someone that is depressed, and is one of the main points to this post; you should never tell someone that it’s their fault they are depressed. That being said, and again, the reason of this post, I’ve been thinking about what you should NOT say to someone that is depressed. Here’s a list of things that end up counterproductive when you say them to someone that’s depressed.

1. “It’s your fault you are sad.”
   1. I would like to point out that telling someone that it’s their fault will not help the situation, EVER. Much like you should never tell a rape victim it’s their fault, a murder victim’s family that it’s their fault, or a veteran with PTSD that it’s their fault, you should NEVER tell someone that is depress that it’s their fault. This leads to further doubt in one’s self and will lead them to not seek help, because “it’s their fault”.
2. “Just get help.”
   1. Suggesting help is great. Saying that they should just get help isn’t. This is akin to saying something like “Well it’s not that big a deal, just go spill your guts to someone else.” It’s not that easy, especially if you are one of the 13%⁸ that suffer from anxiety issues (that’s about 41,456,330 in the US alone.⁹)
3. “Yeah. I’m depressed too.” Or “That’s Ok I blah blah…” OR “That’s nothing, I’ve been feeling…”
   1. If someone comes to you and tells you that they are depressed, they trust you. They expect that you are one of the few people in their life that can help them overcome this problem. If you are actually depressed as well, fine, but stating that you have it worse or that you are more depressed makes things worse. This isn’t a pissing contest, it has nothing to do with HOW depressed someone is, it’s about seeking help and getting out of this frame of mind. If you start to turn it into a contest, this can lead to self-blame and further complicate matters. If you truly are depressed, talk it out with the person that is trusting you with their problems. Get through this together.
4. “No you’re not” OR “You’re not depressed”
   1. “I’m hungry.” – “No, You’re not”…. “I’m Happy” – “No, You’re not”… “I’m lonely.” –“Not you’re not.” See why this doesn’t help? I don’t think this requires thorough explanation.
5. “Just be happy.” OR “Get Over it”
   1. Is it that easy? If someone is depressed and feeling helpless, is it as easy as just Not being depressed? Then please explain suicide to me. How is that someone can be so depressed as to kill themselves, if it seriously as easy as just NOT being depressed? Do you think that it would ever end in suicide if it was so binary?
6. “You can talk to me.”
   1. When a person is depressed they will often times ignore it for as long as they can. It has a lot to do with not wanting to be a burden on other people, especially those that we love. Typically, when they reach out for help, it’s because it’s been getting worse. Maybe they’ve had “those” thoughts. Maybe they’ve made an attempt. Maybe they are just feeling worse. It’s hard to say. Overall, if someone brings themselves to trust you to the point of asking for help, then they are ASKING for help. They know they can talk to you. Telling them that they should do so can seem pushy or like you don’t understand.
7. “I’m here for you. I will help you. You can get better and we can get through this together.”
   1. This is something you SHOULD say to someone that is asking for help. Saying that you are there for them may be the balance between them considering suicide and wanting to stay alive. They need help, they want help, and they want to get better. No one wants to feel hopeless or helpless. No one wants to feel down. ‘

One of the main things to remember is that you are their crutch. Without you, they may have nothing to live for in their mind. Having a decent job, a nice car, or money in the bank, doesn’t always equal happiness. You can look at someone from the outside and assume they are happy by the clothes they wear, or the car they drive, but honestly, that may mean nothing to them. In the end, the most important thing to do is simple; just be there. Be a friend, a lover, a sibling, a parent, or just a shoulder to lean on. One of biggest points of life is to help people that need help, and if you are being confronted with someone saying they are depressed, they are asking for help, and you are the person that they need it from.

It’s not easy, but the end product is worth it.

-Lucas C.

1. http://www.testimonyshare.com/happiest-depressed-person/
2. http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=705D5DF4-055B-F1EC-3F66462866FCB4E6
3. http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/10/19/10-things-not-to-say-to-a-depressed-person/
4. http://www.sooverthis.com/5-things-you-should-never-say-to-a-depressed-person/
5. http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20393228,00.html
6. http://www.anxietymatters.com/about_anxiety/how_common_is_anxiety.htm
7. http://www.census.gov/popclock/
8. http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewpage&page_id=705c8cb8-9321-f1bd-867e811b1b404c94

Some of these aren’t Cited, I just thought they were good sites to read.

Depression and my thoughts on the matter…

Alright, let’s start this whole party off with a post about depression. I know that this may not be the best way to start a blog, nor is it even a good way to start a blog, but I have some things to say, and I feel the need to start my blog with something that I have a lot to say on.

When someone is depressed, it doesn’t mean they are sad, it doesn’t mean that they just feel blue, or they are having a bad day. It’s less of feeling upset, and more of feeling hopeless in a long term sense. It’s not being mad at the world, it is feeling like there’s no place within the world for that person to fit in to. It’s easy to look at someone that is depressed and tell them to cheer up or that it’ll get better. It’s not easy to look at that person and see that there’s more to it than being sad or upset for a little while. One definition of Depression is the feeling of intense sadness, helplessness, hopelessness and worthlessness that lasts for an extensive period of time.¹ It can be a sense that everything is pointless and that nothing you do will make a change in anyone’s life, so why do it? In looking at the list of depression symptoms¹ I could easily say that I am depressed. When I wake up in the morning, part of me is upset that time didn’t come to a screeching halt in my sleep. More recently, I’ve been feeling tired at awkward times, especially at night. I look at my daily routine and I wonder if it’s even worth it. I’ve regularly had trouble sleeping through the night, and I wake up more than 4 times every night. With the exception of writing, video games, and music production, I’ve lost interest in the activities I once loved (drawing, gardening, painting, sculpting, computer stuff, etc.) I constantly feel like I want to do something, but in the end I put up a mental blockade and lay on the couch instead. My weekends off are filled with uneventful nothingness. I’ve written lists, made promises to myself, and told people that I was going to devote my time to things, and, in the end, I wind up waking at 8:-00AM and then lay around doing nothing until 10:00, sleep from then until 1:00PM, and then I lay around waiting for my fiancé to get home so I have someone to talk to. All of these are symptoms of depression. Every single one of them. So am I depressed? Probably. Should I accept it and try to find help? Probably. Have I done so? No…Because I don’t know where to start.

That last sentence is incredibly important to this post. I don’t know where to start. I feel miserable, and I want to climb out of the hole that I’ve dug, but I can’t find the footholds. I want to be happy. I want to smile and be doing so for reasons other than to mask the agony that I feel on a daily basis. I want to be interested in the things that I once looked at as hobbies, and I want to grow my interest in the things that I’m capable of enjoying, even through this painful time.

Now that I’ve taken the time to write 560+ words as a kind of introduction, and put the thought of depression into your head, and taken the time to establish what I want to say, I’m going to move on to why I’m writing this. I want to make a difference. I want to help. Most importantly, I want to be better. The best thing I can think to do to help is make a list or two. That’ being said…Here’s a list of “Do’s and Don’ts” if you think you have depression, or you are sure you are depressed. I know that if I went to a website and read a list of “Do’s and Don’ts” for depressed people, I would think that the writer was a pompous ass, and would dislike them for the remainder of my existence. If you want to do that, fine. Just know that I just want to help anyone that needs it, as much as I want to help myself…

DON’TS

• Don’t lay in bed all day and wish it would end. This doesn’t help. I won’t say that doing this once or twice is the wrong thing to do; sometimes you just need to let it all out and spending a Saturday in bed can be what’s necessary. I’m saying that spending all day, every day sobbing in bed isn’t going to fix the problems.
• Don’t ignore those that want to help you. If someone that truly cares for you is reaching out and wants to help you, let them. Make sure that they are in a position that they can listen and handle what you’re about to tell them, and build yourself up to a point where you can confide in that person.
• Don’t tell everyone “I’m fine”. Read through the poem in Reference²; it is beautiful. It’s an original poem on Reddit titled “I’m Fine”. The intro says it all… “I’m fine. I’ve said it and will continue til the day I die. A phrase said for years but usually meaning a lie. What is fine? A settlement for how could something be? Or a false testimony for the way that I’m feeling”² It’s a painful poem, but it tells it like it is.
• Don’t bottle it up. Bottling up how you feel is the worst thing that you can do. Find someone to listen to how you feel, and tell them, even if that “person” is a page in a spiral notebook. Find the time to tell someone how you feel. Expression is necessary if you want to get better. Don’t be the person that bottles it up and then lets it flow over until you can take no more³.
• Don’t put a barrier between you and those that care. If you block out the people in your life that want to help you, or if you make it a point to shut them out, they can’t help. It’s important to have support when you’re falling down.
• Don’t pretend you aren’t depressed, and Don’t listen to those that tell you that you aren’t. I’m not saying that you should mope around and tell everyone that you meet that you are miserable and that life is hopeless. What I do mean; accept that you have these feelings, and make an effort to fix them. Pretending that it’s just a phase and that you’re just not feeling well today will work in the short term, but it will fail in the long term. You will look at how you feel, and question why it’s still going on.
• Don’t throw away everything you enjoy. If you have something that you enjoy doing, try to keep it close. If you find that you have lost interest in it, this is normal. Keep it close, remember why you liked it, and keep trying. If you just aren’t feeling it, try again when you think it may be better. Persistence is key.
• Don’t give up. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER fold your hand. If you give up, if you fold, then you have no way of ever getting to that light. There will be times when you think the tunnel is eternal, but it’s not. It will come to an end, and you will be yourself again. If you can’t promise that to yourself, let me promise you. As one person suffering to another, I promise you that you WILL get better. I promise you that you WILL make it through this.

DO’S

• Do get up. Do get out of bed in the morning and embrace that it’s another day. If you can see how fortunate you are to wake up breathing every day, then you are well on your way to getting through this.
• Do listen to those that want to help. If someone is there for you and they are doing everything they can to help you; give them a shot. If they are wanting to see you through this because they care, then they are at least worth the time that it takes to listen to what they have to say.
• Do find a way to express yourself. If you can express how you’re feeling to someone, then you can get help. If you can’t find the words, draw them a picture. If you can’t draw a picture, act it out. If you can’t act it out, invite them to come along with you to any place that has a punching bag, beat the ever-loving crap out of it, and shout your feelings at it. Find something to express your thoughts and feelings. Nobody can help you if they don’t know how you feel.
• Do find an outlet of some sort. You know that punching bag I mentioned above? Use it. Pretend it’s your depression, pretend it’s something you dislike, hell, pretend it’ someone you dislike and just hit it. If you don’t have access to something capable of taking a few punches, find something else. I suggest writing thoughts in a journal.
• Do find something positive to add to your life. I have a journal littered with things that make me happy, and some things that make me a little sad, but they helped. I typically get all of my positive thoughts from the “productivity” sub of the website lifehack.org⁴. Check out the link in the references. I like to write their posts in my notebook, and often times write the quotes with my thoughts.
• Do accept that you are depressed. Accepting that you have a problem is the first step to finding a solution. You need to accept that you have an issue that you will need help with. “Admitting and accepting that there are some things you need outside help with, is the first step to getting better.”⁵
• Do something you like to do. If you have something that you absolutely love, keep doing it. If you don’t know what you love, experiment. Experimenting with what made me happy is how I found out that I love writing. I‘ve never been able to express myself through spoken words, so I took up writing. Now I’m writing this blog, and a novel, and some random thoughts….it helps.
• Do promise yourself that you’ll get better. Even if you don’t believe it, promise yourself that you will get through this and that you will be ok. Promise yourself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that, with the right help and the right amount of work, you will get there.

I know it’s hard to do these things that I’ve listed, but the important thing is trying. If you can’t bring yourself to do one thing or another, try something else. It comes down to this; depression is a major problem. It’s one that a number of people are faced with regularly, and it’s one that a lot of people succumb to in the end. Don’t give up, never surrender, and most of all, never put the people you love through the pain that comes with putting an end to it all. If you are having a hard time dealing with how you feel, seek help. Ask those you love for help.

It’ll get better. I promise….

-Lucas C.

Reference

1. http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/what-is-depression
2. http://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/2gdgzz/im_fine_an_original_poem/
3. http://metro.co.uk/2012/11/21/suicide-teenager-bottled-up-feelings-for-three-years-538136/
4. http://www.lifehack.org/lifestyle
5. http://www.ignitepoint.com/?anxiety_and_depression&articleid=600412