My last post was one on depression, and it was built to be aimed towards people that are/may be depressed. It’s hard to acknowledge that you’re depressed, or may be depressed, and I believe that’s what makes it so hard to simply accept what you are going through. This post isn’t directed towards those that are depressed, it’s for the ones that are wanting to help, or know someone in their life that is depressed. Again…depression isn’t feeling sad, it’s a serious issue and something that a number of people go through on a constant basis.
I found this post about a letter than someone wrote when they were depressed, and clinically determined to be so. 1 It’s a good read and I really like that she shared it on the internet because it exemplifies a number of the things that people feel when they are needing help the most. I would like to take a moment to dissect some of the things she was feeling in order to demonstrate that these are things people think when they feel hopeless. Sure, this letter has a religious overtone to it, but I honestly don’t care. If faith is what it takes for you to feel better, then embrace it. To me it’s no different than if you take up painting.
- “When I had all these things happening to me, I was scared; I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was blaming myself.”
- We’ve all been there. We have always been told that we are a product of our actions, and that what happens to us is, more often than not, in our control. Now imagine feeling hopeless, worthless, and like your life is pointless. Now imagine feeling that all of these thoughts are your fault. This becomes a never ending cycle. “I’m worthless and it’s my fault. It’s my fault that I’m worthless.”
- “I felt stupid for feeling depressed; I thought that it was something that I should be able to control myself and just stop.”
- This is incredibly common, and it’s incredibly dangerous. People think that depression is just being sad and that people should just stop and be happy. That’s not how this works. If people could just turn off depression, they would; trust me.
- “I could see my depression was having a bad impact on them.”
- This is the easiest way to get a person that’s depressed to shut you out, and possibly make the worst decision possible. If you start to tell them that their depression is affecting you, or you make it obvious that their depression is a problem for you, what are they supposed to do? Unfortunately, if someone is in a deep depression and they feel that they are a burden…what do you think will happen?
- Some facts on suicide2: ~40,000 Americans commit suicide each year. Most of them don’t seek help. For those of us between 15 and 24, suicide is the second leading cause of death. 15% of all people (that’s 15 out of every hundred) will kill themselves while they are depressed. For every 1 person that successfully commits suicide, approximately 8 to 25 are attempted. Approximately one person successfully commits suicide every 13.3 minutes.
- This is the easiest way to get a person that’s depressed to shut you out, and possibly make the worst decision possible. If you start to tell them that their depression is affecting you, or you make it obvious that their depression is a problem for you, what are they supposed to do? Unfortunately, if someone is in a deep depression and they feel that they are a burden…what do you think will happen?
One section that I want to point out is this part right here; “I felt like I was being selfish, acting in that way that worried everyone”. This is one of the most important things to remember when you are talking to someone that is depressed, and is one of the main points to this post; you should never tell someone that it’s their fault they are depressed. That being said, and again, the reason of this post, I’ve been thinking about what you should NOT say to someone that is depressed. Here’s a list of things that end up counterproductive when you say them to someone that’s depressed.
- “It’s your fault you are sad.”
- I would like to point out that telling someone that it’s their fault will not help the situation, EVER. Much like you should never tell a rape victim it’s their fault, a murder victim’s family that it’s their fault, or a veteran with PTSD that it’s their fault, you should NEVER tell someone that is depress that it’s their fault. This leads to further doubt in one’s self and will lead them to not seek help, because “it’s their fault”.
- “Just get help.”
- Suggesting help is great. Saying that they should just get help isn’t. This is akin to saying something like “Well it’s not that big a deal, just go spill your guts to someone else.” It’s not that easy, especially if you are one of the 13%8 that suffer from anxiety issues (that’s about 41,456,330 in the US alone.9)
- “Yeah. I’m depressed too.” Or “That’s Ok I blah blah…” OR “That’s nothing, I’ve been feeling…”
- If someone comes to you and tells you that they are depressed, they trust you. They expect that you are one of the few people in their life that can help them overcome this problem. If you are actually depressed as well, fine, but stating that you have it worse or that you are more depressed makes things worse. This isn’t a pissing contest, it has nothing to do with HOW depressed someone is, it’s about seeking help and getting out of this frame of mind. If you start to turn it into a contest, this can lead to self-blame and further complicate matters. If you truly are depressed, talk it out with the person that is trusting you with their problems. Get through this together.
- “No you’re not” OR “You’re not depressed”
- “I’m hungry.” – “No, You’re not”…. “I’m Happy” – “No, You’re not”… “I’m lonely.” –“Not you’re not.” See why this doesn’t help? I don’t think this requires thorough explanation.
- “Just be happy.” OR “Get Over it”
- Is it that easy? If someone is depressed and feeling helpless, is it as easy as just Not being depressed? Then please explain suicide to me. How is that someone can be so depressed as to kill themselves, if it seriously as easy as just NOT being depressed? Do you think that it would ever end in suicide if it was so binary?
- “You can talk to me.”
- When a person is depressed they will often times ignore it for as long as they can. It has a lot to do with not wanting to be a burden on other people, especially those that we love. Typically, when they reach out for help, it’s because it’s been getting worse. Maybe they’ve had “those” thoughts. Maybe they’ve made an attempt. Maybe they are just feeling worse. It’s hard to say. Overall, if someone brings themselves to trust you to the point of asking for help, then they are ASKING for help. They know they can talk to you. Telling them that they should do so can seem pushy or like you don’t understand.
- “I’m here for you. I will help you. You can get better and we can get through this together.”
- This is something you SHOULD say to someone that is asking for help. Saying that you are there for them may be the balance between them considering suicide and wanting to stay alive. They need help, they want help, and they want to get better. No one wants to feel hopeless or helpless. No one wants to feel down. ‘
One of the main things to remember is that you are their crutch. Without you, they may have nothing to live for in their mind. Having a decent job, a nice car, or money in the bank, doesn’t always equal happiness. You can look at someone from the outside and assume they are happy by the clothes they wear, or the car they drive, but honestly, that may mean nothing to them. In the end, the most important thing to do is simple; just be there. Be a friend, a lover, a sibling, a parent, or just a shoulder to lean on. One of biggest points of life is to help people that need help, and if you are being confronted with someone saying they are depressed, they are asking for help, and you are the person that they need it from.
It’s not easy, but the end product is worth it.
-Lucas C.
- http://www.testimonyshare.com/happiest-depressed-person/
- http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=705D5DF4-055B-F1EC-3F66462866FCB4E6
- http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/10/19/10-things-not-to-say-to-a-depressed-person/
- http://www.sooverthis.com/5-things-you-should-never-say-to-a-depressed-person/
- http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20393228,00.html
- http://www.anxietymatters.com/about_anxiety/how_common_is_anxiety.htm
- http://www.census.gov/popclock/
- http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewpage&page_id=705c8cb8-9321-f1bd-867e811b1b404c94
Some of these aren’t Cited, I just thought they were good sites to read.
Lights In The Sky 